Some things are too painful to bare alone. Today my oldest daughter was baptized. She is eight years old. Her father (my ex-husband) left at my request 11 months ago on Fathers Day. I was in a loveless, painful marriage. I am proud of myself for getting out. I have been alone for YEARS. Now everyone else knows I am alone. Now I am alone. Alone. Interesting word. Friends have rallied, family is close, kids hang off of me, dog is next to me, yet, alone. Only I feel the pain as my 4 year old ignores me and runs to cuddle "Daddy's girlfriend." Alone as insensitive "friends" hire other photographers and ask me advice for their shoot. Alone trying to figure out how to not feel so judged as my child has a screaming panic attack in Dillard's. Alone as that same child vanishes twice within an hour and is found walking outside alone in a public place. Alone trying to make every penny stretch as debt threatens to overtake me. Alone as my girls are dropped off two hours after bedtime by their dad tired, hungry, severely sunburned and full of attitude. Alone sitting at the table for hours helping my second grader memorize times tables while hours of my own homework lay ahead. Alone deciding my class schedule for the next two years. (*How will I pay for it? Should I take out loans? Will I be able to find a job? Will I ever be able to support us on my own?)
Alone.
I am Alone.
Will I always be alone?
I don't know. I do know one thing though, I will never again allow someone like him in my life again.
I have discovered that having time to oneself and being alone are two different things. In my marriage something that I always hungered for was the feeling that I wasn't carrying all the worry and stress of life by myself. I just wanted my "partner" to acknowledge the burdens that I so diligently and responsibly carried around and solved. I NEVER felt supported. I NEVER had a partner. I had SILENCE. Silence. Always silence. The worst form of abuse.
The new girlfriend has no idea what she is in for. I feel sorry for her. No one deserves that kind of abuse. I grieve for my children. They don't deserve a life where various women discover what a creep their dad is. I grieve alone.
Then I pray.
